Dark Moments of Year 2002

I recall that there is one old man in a Japanese drama suggests to a teen to hide the thing (for this case is the picture of the girl whom he likes hugging his best friend) ,that he wishes not to see and hopes it is not true, inside a jar of fermented soy beans (very smelly one). The old man tells the teen not to open the jar till one day he can look at the picture and laugh about it.
I unconsciously followed the old man advice. I have the habit of writing my darkest moments of certain period in a diary or any piece of paper and hide somewhere out of reach (but later I found out that no one bothers to spy at my diary so I don’t bother to hide it). As I clear up my room (I’m leaving the hostel, graduating soon depending on my final results), I found the diary of year 2002 when I first started my university life at Malacca. In year 2002, when my social activities is near zero, assignment is easy and projects are scarce, I had plenty of time to write something on the diary. Below are the two excerpts of my “darkest moment” on year 2002 which had been “fermented” properly.

Dark Moments 1

During the AGM meeting, one girl fell unconscious. Few boys tried to carry her (clumsily – they are so weak) till one strong fellow carry her to the clinic. I never know that she’ll pass away. This incident scares me more than any horror movie because it is real. I never thought that death can come out suddenly with no reason at all. To me, this is a shocking realization. I used to think this way: people die only when you’re really really old or with serious disease, but not just a “snap” then oh you’re dead. This thought haunts me and I wish to tell someone about it. But this topic is so “suey” (undesirable, dark) that I couldn’t bring the subject out. Especially, now meningitis is on the loose. I shouldn’t go to the AGM or maybe that’s the way god tries to tell me life is precious, treasure it. I have so many dreams to archive, I’m not ready to “leave”, and so do that poor girl. My IT Math lecturer joke didn’t cheer me up either. She had spoken a deadly truth: “one alpha engineering and one alpha management gone, what about alpha IT?” (alpha stands for foundation studies, there 3 foundation studies available: Engineering, Information Technology and Management). Geez, adult just don’t give teens a break, don’t they? My life in MMU is great fun, challenging and in total control (except for life and death). Strangely, I prefer to be in class with my course mates than be with my room mate. I don’t know why I just can’t talk to her. I seem to be out of topic. I began to look ‘cold’. We used to say a lot at the beginning, what happened now? I missed my home at the same time (who don’t?). I missed talking, really missed that. When the semester break started, I’m going home and talk as much as I could.

Dark Moments 2

Do you fell like talking but you just can’t find a topic to begin with? What do you feel when your own house mates became your stranger? It’s strange to dread for the weekend and hope for lecture days to start as Saturday and Sunday looks like an eternity. It is because of age? It is because I’m only younger by one year in the group? Why I can’t communicate with them or they can’t communicate with me? If this keeps happening, I better leave because if I don’t I will need to visit the psychologist. Who can stand the pressure? I wish that I wasn’t a girl so I can stroll during the night and eat somewhere far a way without a company. I wish I was with my course mates, ex-school-mates, they are more considerate, don’t mind if I kept quiet and will not think that I’m proud when I’m in a silence mood. Maybe my house mates don’t understand me compared to them, or maybe it is my quiet syndrome who causes the “gap” between me and my house mates. My quiet syndrome causes me to suffer for two years during secondary school. I guess I have to keep on praying for a best friend to appear to guide me. I’ll keep on searching though. Maybe she/he is not at Malacca. But then I would to thank god for sending an angel (my way of calling those people who had help me) to take care of me. Although angel can’t be my best pal but I’m happy to find one. Angel needs to help other people too so I can’t be so greedy. Sometime, I regret of rejecting XX friendship but then I couldn’t help feeling that she was making use of me like she did to anyone else. That’s not a friend should do. Friend don’t pressure or criticize his/her partner over small matters. I really missed my old friends. Though if I met them again, we probably have little to talk about but just to see them and to be with them it will truly make me happy.

Thoughts after three years later:

1. I still don’t know how to react to death issue.


2. I have stayed on the same room for two years. Me and my house mates had a sea-side BBQ together where we lied on the sandy beach watching the starry skies. We too traveled to Perhentian Island together and had a fun and unforgettable vacation. Now, I and two of my house mates are going to graduate this year.


3. I do not dislike Saturday and Sunday anymore.


4. I do not regret on rejecting XX friendship as I found true new good friends now.